Right around when Covid started being a thing one of my partners broke an agreement we had around Covid safety. When I brought this up with him he immediately apologized and took full responsibility. Together we analyzed what happened in his brain noticing things like self-regulatory fatigue, a phenomenon that happens after inhibiting one self for too long, along with the difficulty of creating a new type of boundary and not wanting to offend the other person involved. We practiced what would he have done if the situation happened again so I could feel safe that the wanted response was grooved in his neural network and would appear next time he faced a similar situation. I hoped this would be enough to prevent my attachment trauma and PTSD from popping up. Unfortunately it wasn’t. I could barely sleep that night and woke up the next morning feeling unsafe, not only with my partner but within my own body.
This was a make or break for our budding poly relationship. My partner noticed how unregulated and distressed I was and reflected that this was unsustainable but he also offered to do anything in his ability to help me feel safe with him. He understood that even though he had apologised, feeling safe with someone is an embodied belief and that words were not enough to help me.
I suggested we try to invent our own VR therapy. A place where I could release the trapped anger, pain and fear in me in a safe environment. Together we hacked on our own networked social VR we had previously coined Uncanny VR, since in it our avatars looked like uncanny valley 3D versions of us. I added a function that let me control his facial expression. With a button press I could turn his face from looking angry, afraid or happy.
When triggered, the traumatized parts of brains are predicting pain is about to happen, and when that doesn’t happen, the prediction error in the brain just keeps increasing. Because this is a traumatized part of your brain, it isn’t getting accurate bottom up signals from your senses that can update it. So I decided not to argue with my brain and instead give it what it was so afraid of using an improv theater technique called yes and. If my brain was afraid of my partner I would give it an angry face of my partner who was making growling angry sounds. Then, with the consent of my partner I let my body release the fear and anger in a physical way lashing out at his avatar. It was very interesting to notice that despite all my knowledge and skills regarding martial arts the movements that came out were like a very young child hits, lashing up and down with their hands. At that moment I also pressed the button that turned my partner’s face into a scared face and he made scared sound. The effect was quite comic and the release was pretty much immediate. We did this two or three times and I could feel the trauma parts of my brain had stopped arguing with the rest of it. The prediction that pain was coming had happened but the outcome was different. I had scared “the monster” away in a playful and safe environment and could see my partner for what he was, the open, caring, playful human who cared enough about me to let me bash him in VR :)